Stock Photo

B again. (I know, twice in two days?) This will be short. I just had to share that I was glancing at my email that showed today's matches. One guy caught my eye as pretty cute, so I clicked through to see his profile. It looked like a professional photo...and what was that little black word-shaped smudge on the right side? 

Well, I do know how to use Google, and an image search proved that this guy is using a stock photo (from Thinkstock) that is on a few other websites, including this one: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/09/20/o.praise.young.men/index.html
  
Seriously? What did he expect would happen when he met someone?

awkward goodbyes in parking lots

B here. Well, it has been way too long and is time for an update from me. In the last post, these are the guys I mentioned and their current status:

Milk - a few emails, no sparks, kind of fizzled out

Apple Cider - one phone call, went pretty well, I thought we connected over an enjoyment of fun games, but never heard from him again. 

Mt. Dew (aka "Pizza man," since he began the "relationship" by ordering some pizza). I asked him over email to explain why his faith section on his profile said "I'll tell you later." He responded by saying he just felt it was something that couldn't be explained in a few short sentences...apparently it is not worth even trying? He continues to text me occasionally, saying things like "Hi B," or "How is your day going?" I usually don't respond. One time, I did, saying I was at a friend's house. He responded that he thought that night was a night we could have hung out. It was about 9:45 pm on a Tuesday so I told him I hoped he didn't still mean that night. He responded that he would be up for it but didn't want me to blow off my friends. When I didn't respond, he asked me where my friend's house was. At 10:30 pm I just said, sorry, I need to get home, it is a school night. 

I'm not interested in him so I suppose I should just tell him that.

Most promising right now is organic coffee. (He is in the coffee business.) We went out for drinks almost two weeks ago, met up at 8pm and stayed at the bar talking until after 1am. Clearly, he was very easy to talk to and be around. I am not totally sure if an attraction is there or not. There was absolutely no touching....which made for a somewhat awkward goodbye in the parking lot. I am interested, though, and we talked on the phone a couple of times and now are going on another date on Sat. We are going to see a roller derby match! I think this will be a fun activity to do and definitely something I haven't done before.

I did go out for drinks with one other guy two nights ago. We'll call him Miller. We made it through nearly 2 hours of conversation but I definitely had to stretch for things to ask him/talk about. I ended up talking about my travels a lot, even though he hasn't really had any similar experiences, but I could at least come up with some interesting stories. He just emailed me now and asked how my week is going, so I suppose I should respond. He seems like a nice guy....just boring? And I'm not sure we have much in common. In the parking lot, it is possible he might have been leaning for a kiss on the cheek, but I was going for a hug.  Awkward.

Finally, just to show the weirdness of Match, there was a guy, I'll just call him R because I'm not going to waste my time thinking of a creative name for him. Anyway, he initiated a connection with a wink  and I winked back. He then emailed me "Hello! How are you? Thanks for the wink. How is your day going?" A day or two later, but before I responded, I got a form response from Match saying "Thanks, but no thanks....R is not interested."  Ok, no problem....but he is the one who found me, winked at me, and emailed me!  I did note that in his ideal match, tats and piercings were a big plus, so I'm not to worried by this rejection. But still.

The First 'Break-Up'

I think that M put it well in an earlier post: “when you know, you just know.”  This is the point I have arrived at regarding Merlot.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I need to follow my gut.  We went out on a date on Saturday night, classic dinner, Barnes and Noble stroll, and movie.  It was a fine date, however I left the date realizing that this relationship was something that I was not interested in pursuing further.  So, the next step, became the agonizing phone call to tell him.  I knew going into the conversation that he would be pretty upset.  At the risk of sounding vain, I have to say that he was into me. He really liked me and was clear in expressing that, I just did not have that to give in return.  

So, Monday night I bit the bullet and made the call.  I cut right to the chase and like expected, he did not react well.  The conversation lasted about 20 minutes and along the way were the following highlights: “Can we meet to talk about this?” “Can you tell me why?” “I don’t think 4 dates is enough, you didn’t give it enough of a chance.”  I responded to each of his claims/questions with reasons as much as I could without hurting his character. How do you ‘break-up’ with someone with out basically saying that their personality isn’t attractive to you? Uh....  After about 10 minutes I thought that we had made it through the painful experience. He wished me well in life and I did the same for him and said good-bye.  He responded with “wait!”  I waited.  His next question for me was “What are you feeling right now?” UGH! I responded with “Frustrated!”  And for the next 10 minutes we continued discussing why I wasn’t interested anymore.  His biggest frustration with me was the fact that I’m not sure what I want and so how can I know that he isn’t what I want.  I explained that I’m starting this dating journey later in life and trying to figure out what I want and he’s just part of that journey, it’ll happen to me in the future too.  After a lot of apologizing and silent moments we finally bid farewell and I hung up the phone and felt relief to end the saga that was Merlot.

This whole experience has taught me a few important things about what I’m looking for.
1. I want to be excited to see/talk to/text the person that I’m dating.
2. Fear cannot be the #1 emotion I feel when thinking about that person.
3. Kissing me in Crate & Barrel 2 hours into a first date isn’t cool.
4. I am looking for a laid-back guy.
5. I appreciate honesty and good conversation.
6. I don’t like being text-spanked.
7. I like to have my opinions valued, not questioned or ridiculed.
8. It is fun to be pursued.
9. It is fun to be told that you’re cute, but 15 times in a date is overkill.
10. Intensity is too much for me.

So tonight it’s back to winking, emailing, and seeing who I can meet next.  Oh Online Dating, you never cease to provide interesting experiences. -J

Breaking the Rules

It has again been awhile since I (V) have posted. My apologies. I have been in a little bit of a transition period, allowing some communications to die as a couple of others have started.

The beginning of the end with Milk was when he asked me out for coffee. I was not exactly pumped about meeting this guy in person, so I decided to set the date for a weekday when I had an evening commitment at 7:00, only allowing for a maximum of 90 minutes of awkward coffee shop chatting. I knew that the weather was not supposed to be great on that day, so I had considered canceling, but I really just wanted to push through and get it over with (exactly how you would hope to feel before a date...). Well, the day of the date arrived, and as I weighed my options, I got a text from Milk asking if we could reschedule. Whew. Decision made. We rescheduled for Saturday afternoon at the same place. I was glad that the date wasn't too far away so that my dread would be short lived. Saturday morning arrived, and yet again, I got another text from Milk, asking if we could cancel. He told me that his mom was coming into town to "help him with some paper work and filling." (???) Alright. Fill away. I told him not to sweat it, and I had fleeting thoughts that he was using his mother as an excuse not to meet with me. Fine by me. I was kind of hoping the whole thing would be over, but after waiting for a few days, he started texting me again. While I am aware of the rules, and I'm sure one date would not be that horrible, I have decided to cut this one off. I just cannot bring myself to meet this guy. Rules are meant to be broken anyway, right?

While my communication with Milk has been less than thrilling, I have started emailing with 2 new guys, both with their own potential.

Lemonade is from Minnesota, which I have to admit, I really like. Nothing like a good Minnesota boy. He actually grew up very close to where I did. He seems to be a really thoughtful person, and we have had pretty interesting emails thus far. He lives in the city and is working for a web design company.

Grape Juice is my other new communicant. He is from this area, is finishing up his last semester of seminary, and seems to be a really great guy overall. He has done a lot of work with high school youth groups in the area, and he seems to have a good sense of humor. Definite potential.

Well, there you have it. The online dating experience continues.

Am I coming on too strong?

I (J) have given this online dating world a chance before.  For three years it has served as my winter hobby, providing me with a few good meals, some great stories, but never anything beyond a 3rd date.  As I jumped in this year I had zero expectations, hoping for another winter of a few meals, dates, and some great stories for the blog.  This has not happened.  I have stumbled upon a man that is intent in pursuing me.  He reminds me that he likes me with his words and his kisses.  He is intent on communicating daily. He is ready to be emotionally vulnerable and invest into a friendship, possible relationship, 100%.  This is what a girl dreams of, right?  A man that knows what he wants and sets out to pursue it!  I find this attractive, however have also found myself extremely hesitant.  I am not ready and when Merlot asked me “Am I coming on too strong?” I responded without hesitation, yes!  He is understanding and is ready to give me the pace at which I want to go.  I have found myself learning to be honest, open, while trying to stop thinking and just have fun.  We’ve had 3 good dates with fourth on the horizon, here’s to stopping the overthinking and starting to just have fun!

On another note I received an email today that gave me a good laugh.  I have been emailing sporadically with Milkshake.  We haven’t talked about much, however he was quick to ask for a date.  I agreed to meet up for coffee or something low key and gave him some times that would work for me.  He responded to solidify the date, but also provided me with one caveat.  “I should probably let you know that I’ve been looking for a new profile picture, I’m not in that good of shape anymore.”  Now, I appreciate the honesty, but my skepticism makes me think that he’s now just fat and ugly!  I’m on the fence about pursuing it further, vamos a ver.  

When You Just Don't Know...

M here. In college, I distinctly remember trying to coin two phrases regarding relationships. The first being: "People break up every day." And the second was: "When you know, you know." Luckily, the phrases weren't super "fetch" so I'm not super worried about them sticking around. But in some contexts, in some times, the statements can be quite true. So -- when you know, you know. The idea behind this phrase is that, in general, when it comes to love, people know. They might not always be honest with themselves, but they probably know whether or not they could love them. 


But as with most generalizations, there are exceptions and corollaries and deviations and inverses. So -- when you don't know, you just don't know. I really haven't been able to spit out much more than that regarding how I feel about Tall Coffee (TC). We graduated from the coffee date to an all out dinner date, which occurred this past Sunday. I met him at his parents' home (he actually lives a couple hours from the Chicago area and pretty much came back to the Chicago suburbs just to meet with me again). It seemed a little weird to meet him at his house, but turned out to be just fine. 


We went to a pretty basic American restaurant, it was nice, comfortable, not super fancy, and the food was decent. If I was writing a Yelp review I might give it a 3 out of 5, but probably wouldn't hurry back for the food. TC was pleasant, we carried on a nice conversation, he asked good questions, he was a great listener, and was very kind. And he paid for dinner, which was great. So far in my goal to at least earn back my $60 bucks I shelled out for this experience, I have gotten $17. We made a stop at Starbucks after dinner, simply because we still had some time and I wasn't opposed to continuing the date. Really, everything went well. 


But, I just don't know. And after the pair of emails TC and I have exchanged since the date, I don't think he really knows either. And here is what I have realized, I am a nice girl, but I am not a sweet girl. Meaning, I am kindhearted and in general quite nice to people; but I am also sarcastic and cynical and feisty. TC might be too nice for that side of me and I think that TC would know if I was a sweet girl. So between the distance and the uncertain feelings, TC and I have decided to continue to get to know each other within reason and without the pressure. 


-M

Testing the Temperature

Last week I debated a lot about whether or not I would head out on date #2 with Merlot, based primarily on the texts exchanged the previous weekend. We chatted on the phone briefly, exchanged a few texts through out the week and by the time Saturday rolled around I was convinced I would not go out with him.  I wanted to let him know and so when he called on Saturday afternoon, I stumbled over my words, bumbling along, trying to express my thoughts.  I wanted him to understand that I didn’t like that he called me a prude and was not convinced that we had similar priorities with dating.  He was receptive, although taken off guard by what I had to say.  We had a good conversation and it turns out I was jumping the gun a bit.  In the end he convinced me to give him a second chance.  

So, Sunday afternoon we met for lunch.  I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was willing to give it a go.  We had a great afternoon.  We ate lunch, chatted, walked, and explored downtown Downer’s Grove.   Now, I know that I signed up to give online dating a chance, but I’m finding that I’m being very cautious.  Merlot is a headfirst diver when it comes to dating.  I slowly stick my toes in the water, testing the temperature and deciding whether or not I want to go swimming.  We had a lot of good conversation about this and other important aspects of dating.  I’m learning that, in my inexperience, I have to let it happen.  So, I’m going to let it happen and we’ll see where it takes me.  Date # 3 is set, let the adventure continue...

J  

FWB-Excuse me, what?!

This is V. So sorry for the recent silence. I took a bit of a hiatus over the holidays. To be quite honest, I have lost a good chunk of interest in online dating, but in light of "giving it a (fair) chance," I am plowing ahead. So, here goes the update.

Milk has really been around since the beginning. He winked, emailed, and chatted with me all within the first 24 hours of my subscription. He is 30, which is a little on the old side for me, but he seemed like a pretty normal, nice guy. Since then, he has turned SOUR. Maybe I spook too easily, but this guy is just too much. He will email me one day asking how I am and then, regardless of the fact that I haven't responded, email me again the next day. And the next. And the next. When we first chatted, I told him that we could probably meet up sometime after the holidays, and he has succeeded in reminding me of how exciting he is to meet me approximately 20938724 times. "I can't wait to meet up." Next day: "Looking forward to meeting you." Next day: "So excited to see you soon." Ok, I have been accused of being a bit of an exaggerator in the past, and I may be a bit guilty of that, but you get the idea. Too much. I suppose I will probably give him 1 date, but unfortunately, my mind is pretty much already made up about this guy. 

Orange Juice (OJ) has come back from the dead. I guess he took a little hiatus of his own, but we have again been emailing consistently for the past week or so. He is definitely a slow mover and shaker, but I guess I don't mind that in comparison with Milk. His boldest move so far has been to ask me if he can friend me on Facebook. That's right ladies and gentlemen; we are officially Facebook friends. Our senses of humor seem to be pretty similar which is definitely a good thing in my book. We will see if OJ ever bucks up and asks me on a date. Definite potential.

Swiss Miss flaked out on me after a couple emails. I guess J and I can continue to be friends.

Alright, now to the shock I received this afternoon, inspiring the title to this post. Here is an email I got from a 45 year old, and I quote:

"Are you interested in a discreet FWB relationship with a married man?"

After a few seconds of staring at my computer screen with squinting eyes and my mouth hanging open, I realized the FWB to mean "friends with benefits." Ummm...I will neither be your friend nor engage in any sort of "benefits." Sad. Watch out for the creepers out there everyone. I have blocked this guy from contacting me, but I am pretty confident that he is not the only one out there. Yikes.

Coffee Date

One of my (M) concerns with this blog is the chance that it might work out with some fellow and then he will presumably read the blog and see my unrefined thoughts about him. So there is a part of me that wants to tread lightly with publishing my hesitations about any guy that I think there might be potential with... So, someday, future boyfriend, if you read this, please don't judge these words too harshly. 


Today was the day. Coffee date with my very own Tall Coffee (TC). Just a quick refresher: TC, 24, creative, works for a college ministry, smart, nerdy. I really wasn't nervous, I think I intentionally did not put a ton of weight on this get-together so I could feel more at ease. Plus, he had done the gentlemanly thing and driven to meet me at a coffeehouse near my house, so I had the advantage of familiarity. Of course, I showed up the fashionable 4 minutes late, but TC won the fashionably late contest, so while I waited I reserved a nice corner table for us. The coffeehouse was quiet and not super busy, which was perfect. TC showed up just a few minutes after me, I stood up and just said hi and asked if he made it okay. We didn't do the awkward "do we handshake or do we hug" thing, instead we opted for neither and just started chatting instead. We talked about work, Christmas break, family, personality, books, plans for the rest of the day... yep, even the weather. Pretty basic stuff, but the conversation never felt uncomfortable. I had a safeguard on my schedule - needed to meet some friends downtown at 1ish, so the coffee date couldn't last more than an hour and a half, but the time actually went quite quickly. And for the curious readers, I did hug him goodbye. :)


Here is my best assessment: TC is very nice, a bit shy, thoughtful, very smart, nerdy but in an endearing way, cute - cuter than I expected, and serious. I am definitely interested in him. At the same time, I didn't come home with my heart fluttering from excitement, but I am beginning to wonder if my heart is the type that flutters... it might just be the kind that knows when it loves someone, and then it really loves them. Anyway, here are the concerns: TC might not be able to handle my sassy sarcasm and he was not very funny. I also had the unrealistic expectation that he would text or email me shortly after the date, which he did not, so I bucked up and sent him a short message, which he quite promptly responded to, so I won't hold that against him. I am also concerned that he is similar to a boy from a past relationship, so there is a part of me that wants to overcompensate for that. But so far, if I really am going to give online dating a chance, TC is my best bet. 

To Text or Not To Text

I (J) have been called out on the fact that I haven’t been blogging faithfully, or completely honestly. So, in the art of full disclosure, I must update you all on Merlot.   Before I give the complete story, I must be honest on a few more details from that romantic day in the streets of Chicago.  Merlot held my hand, stole his first kiss while window shopping in Crate & Barrel, and we even made out a bit by the end of night. And yes, I did kiss him back.   

I have been in communication with him over the last 10 days.  Merlot told me early on that he didn’t like texting, however, my holiday schedule did not allow for much chatting on the phone.  So, we exchanged flirtatious texts through out the course of the week, chatting about our time with family and other random things.  On Friday I had the chance to go to a wedding with some great friends.  On the drive from the wedding to the reception, I was texting briefly with Merlot.  My friends and I were excited about the open bar at the reception and so I jokingly texted saying “I apologize in advance if I drunk dial you tonight:)” Our text conversation continued as follows:
Merlot: Oh fun I don’t mind if you are forewarned of the same.
J: Excellent
Merlot: You just text spanked me!;)
At this point, I was surprised, confused, and frankly, didn’t know what a text spank was so I didn’t respond right away.  After surveying my table at the reception, the conversation continued.
J: Was that a drunk text?
Merlot: No but they will start being soon...:D
A few more hours passed.
Merlot: God yer hot...
J: I’m sexy and I know it!! (Side note: I was not drunk, or even the least bit buzzed, I just had a really fun LMFAO song in my head!)
Merlot: Yea you are... You strike me as a bit of a prude
And it was at this point that I turned my phone off and went to sleep.  Now these text pose a few questions.
1. What is a text spank?
2. Am I a prude because I didn’t text spank him back?
3. Should you engage in texting (drunk or not) while getting to know someone from an internet dating site?  
The next day, after he told me that he was feeling just fine, which in my mind implied that he wasn’t drunk the night before, he continued on his texting journey to ask me “Do you want to meet up late tonight?”  I believe that I may have just received my first booty call!  All this texting has opened my eyes to a little bit more of who Merlot is, and needless to say, it isn’t impressing me.  He has asked me on a second date and I’m tentative about going.  We will see where this week takes me, although at this point, I’m leaning towards following my gut (and the advice of many friends) and not continuing on with Merlot.

Numbers Game

It's B again. So, not only is it a little strange to try to meet someone online, I am also finding the idea of "getting to know you" via texting to be strange. No, I haven't given my number out to anyone else, but I have had several guys give me their number, which I then haven't done anything with. Maybe it is because I have never been the type of person to quickly give out my number at bars or anything that this immediate flooding of numbers seems so strange to me.  Most of the guys that try to communicate with me and want me to call/text them are not actually very communicative in the match emails, but give just a line or two:
"This is M. Just breaking the ice here. Here's my number."
"I hate stupid match.com. text me." (Couldn't make talking with you any more appealing than that, right?)
Another guy gave me his number immediately and when I didn't respond, 5 days later he asked if I would date someone shorter than me if he said my smile was golden.


Maybe if I was really interested in a guy this wouldn't seem so weird, but of all the guys that have contacted me, I am not really intrigued/interested in many. I guess it is good that I kind of learned my lesson from the texts from Mt. Dew to be more careful with communicating by phone. To update the Mt. Dew situation, he has texted me more, I respond to maybe 1/4 of them, but now he just left a message. When I just looked at his profile again, I noticed/remembered that his faith information is "I'll tell you later," so I think I'm going to ask him about that in a match email rather than calling him back. Is that chickening out??


Of the guys that have been communicating with me via the match email that seem ok, one is "milk," in that he seems pretty normal, close with his family, seems to value his faith and is conservative.  Another is "apple cider," who also seems quite conservative but caught my eye with a very sarcastic and funny profile. We have emailed a few times and when I made a joke about something he referred to in his profile and asked him what kind of superpower he would like to have, he turned it into a more serious discussion about all the things God has given us and how we need to help others with what we have been given. Hmm.
Other than those maybes, I am still waiting for a winner!